MISSING! The Joy Of Living And Creating

Ah, that joy! Say more, where did she go?

Good question. I believe she was taken from me by a whole gang of forces. The exhausting forces of being a working mother and a primary caregiver. The poisonous forces of social media. The efficiency-focused forces that crown speed as the main metrics for creating (and living). The whole shebang of AI forces that are trying to redefine my profession unethically and, well, forcefully.

Brutal!

I know, right? But as much as those forces alone sound capable of taking any joy away, I also leave room for a possibility that my joy ran away on her own. That at some point of our coexistence the amount of nonsensical things we were overcoming on a daily basis got to the point where enough was enough, and so she walked out.

By the nonsensical things I mean the thousands of decisions, big and small, that we start making before we get out of bed in the morning. Unnecessarily decisions, mentally draining ones.

Navigating a reality where every little thing requires installation of its own app, or scanning a QR code, or updating, or relearning our way around an interface that doesn’t make for a better user experience and drains our energy further.

Because, for some reason, everything that’s not tech needs to become tech. Every existing tech needs a refresh.

On that note, she might have been spooked by having to keep up with profit-driven tool updates and new releases that are now cooked faster than babies are born. And watching how fellow exhausted design folk justifies this hell loop and shames those creatives who dare to question it.

(Seriously. If my joy gave up after Figma, I can’t really blame her. We’ve been doing it since Pascal, Visual Basic, and Windows 98).

Or maybe, just maybe, it’s about the performative nature of work, and life, and design, illustration, and creative process that comes with? Using tools for the sake of using these tools, and bragging about it online? Or bragging about not tools? Bragging to outbrag someone else?

Maybe she hated the taste of 5-step interviews that had nothing to do with a job we were doing. Or she hated the job that had nothing to do with our own skills and ideas, or existing problems, or what users wanted? That’s probably it. She may have left after our 13th year in tech.

Sometimes I wonder if my joy not being there is a normal state for a 35-year-old millennial who is racing to god knows what and finds it difficult to stop and catch a breath to calibrate the direction.

Sometimes I think it’s San Francisco. Most definitely San Francisco with its dystopian values and sociopathic culture. Banners that celebrate technology above the people who live in the tents. Rent prices piercing the sky while job security is as far from secure as it possibly can be.

Argh…

You know what? In the end of day, it doesn’t matter why my joy left. The more reasons I remember the less confident I feel to be able to reunite with her again.

But I’m already on my way! The past two years have been fruitful in that regard.

I’m moving out of San Francisco in less than a month. Slowing down my life to enjoy and just be. Breaking free from the linear career progression. Spending less time online and bragging on my own domain instead. Taking a break from upgrading my tools. Detechnolizing and reducing the amount of decisions I’m asked to make every day.

I’m changing what I can control and minimizing my participation in spaces that want to control me. That tell me how to live and belittle if I choose to refuse.

And guess what? It’s working!

Even though my joy hasn’t fully returned yet, I’ve finally started seeing her again. Lurking around when I’m making new things. Giving me a hug when I play with my son. Checking on me when I succeed at breaking old habits. Packing with me as I prepare for my next chapter.

In Southern California.

Away from tech industry.

Spending more time with family.

Giving less to online.

I can’t wait!